This Is The Way - Walk In It

No longer will your Teacher hide himself,
but with your own eyes you shall see your Teacher,
While from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears:
“This is the way; walk in it,”
when you would turn to the right or to the left.
-Isaiah 30: 19-21

Today I have been sober alcohol-free for one month. 30 days. I am truly amazed and feeling better than I have in YEARS. This may not sound like a big deal, but other than my two pregnancies, and a 21-day challenge in 2013, I haven’t been alcohol-free (AF) this long since before college.

One month ago, I had a life-changing migraine headache that left me debilitated and in-bed while my boys were in virtual school. I couldn’t help them at all. I couldn’t fall asleep it hurt so much. I could only lie there and pray the pain would leave me. I vowed I would not allow myself to ever feel this way again, if I could control it.

While I am sure some of the migraine response could be tied to my age, hormonal shifts, and other unpleasant things we all must face as we get older, that didn’t feel right, because it wasnt. There was one thing I knew that was the main culprit: alcohol.

The night before, it wasn't that I had a tremendous amount of wine. In fact, I never really did, because 2-4 glasses a night (every night) is normal, right? Of course it is - during Covid-19, because that is the lie we tell ourselves to feel better. “Wine is my friend, so therefore we should hang out daily, and multiple times daily”…at least that I told myself in my head.

One of my dear friends once said, “Alcohol is a slippery slope.” I will never forget it, because we were talking about it’s affect on other people’s lives. I didn’t know then that the slippery slope would become my own.

Over this past year I have probably consumed more alcohol than I have any other year in my life, barring freshman year in college, and have joked about it, made quarantine excuses and willingly participated in the Mom-wine culture.

My "friend", Wine, was something I could count on after 5 PM, one, two, three, or even four times. A few days turned into daily, and by October - at my wellness appointment - all of my numbers, bloodwork, everything looked great, but I confessed to my doctor about my heavier drinking.

She said, "Oh. That won't work. You need to work on getting down to two drinks a week."

I laughed a little, because I knew she was right. After all, I earned my board certification in health and wellness coaching. I know my stuff….not that it had anything to do with how I was treating myself, right?

Folks. I know that 4 oz. a couple of times a week is the best bet, per “health guidelines”.

The truth is that this LOW number scared me. How could I cut back to 1-2 a week?

I had to try, because I told her if she told me that I HAD TO cut down, I would. It’s like I needed a good spanking to get it right. Sad, isn’t it?

That’s what alcohol does though. It tricks you. The craving gets bigger so the only way to satisfy it is to drink more. It also messes with your body chemistry and head. It’s a drug, folks, and there’s no denying that it’s the most socially accepted one out there despite it’s absolutely dangerous side effects that were beginning to take a toll on my life.

So the week after my wellness appointment, I downloaded a cutback app to watch my drinking. I was so embarassed the first two weeks that I lied to myself with my data entries. It made me think a lot. How did I get here? I thought I was just enjoying the release, the ease or the pairings with food (another lie I told my husband and children - it doesn’t make the food taste better).

Thinking back, it should have been more scary back in the spring when I made us drive to another state to get a carload of booze, because I couldn’t get it here locally during the shutdown. Oh the horror of NO wine. I would die (at least on the inside), my brain told me. I can chalk it up to a Covid-19 memory, yes, but looking back, it was like Nascar’s genesis was made real in the volume of car runs that we all seemed to be bragging about and how we were getting our wine.

The collection of days over these months had me literally looking down a bottle, being embarrassed of my recycling bin, hiding wine bottles under trash, and ultimately looking in the mirror at a faced filled with lackluster graying skin, sadness and real wrinkles. My self-esteem was crushed, and my focus was non-existent. I felt horrible, but I was faking it BEAUTIFULLY.

Here’s what was going on.

My pours were bigger, more frequent, and honestly, doing nothing for me as I look back on it.

I didn’t like the taste anymore, but I couldn’t stop.

I couldn't find the right cocktail when I went out, and this has been going on for years (you’d think that would have been the sign that I needed to officially break-up.).

I didn't even enjoy it anymore, but my body was craving it and THAT was enough to keep me going.

My craving was growing as my self-loathing was too.

I’m not pretty.

I have no clue what I’m doing with my life.

Is it 3:00 PM yet? Wait, Isn’t that too early. Of course it is. Okay, only 60 minutes until 4:00 PM.

I’m okay to drive…right? (If you ever have to ask that question, then the answer is, “NO.”)

If I was only __________. Fill in the blank.

This was the horrible dialogue. Y’all. This was enemy warfare playing wicked tricks with my brain.

Drinking a constant depressant was making me DEPRESSED.

Imagine that.

It was robbing me of my joy no matter how well I ate, how intentionally I prayed, how many affirmations I said, or how hard I exercised.

I’ve wanted out from alcohol for a long time (because I hate being tipsy or drunk, but also don’t enjoy being around people after drink #3 - mine or theirs).

Truth: I’ve given up on myself so many times. I tried to quit a year ago, but I gave into the lies my inner enemy was dishing me.

Then: One day during my daily morningdevotions, it was like a Divine calling. “Say YES.”

I asked the Lord to tell me what His Yes was for me right now (I’m always praying this, since I so deeply want to be in my own YES). I didn’t expect the answer the Holy Spirit delivered.

Stop drinking. Quite alcohol.

Funny enough, I didn’t feel the “Oh, hail no!” or “Hell no.”

Instead, I calmly digested my inner voice’s encouragement (aka: the big H.S. = Holy Spirit).

I had to try.

I had to try my life alcohol free.

Lightbulbs started to shine again and within minutes, I felt a wellspring of new life energize that began telling me TRUTH.

I’m better without alcohol.

I’m shinier and brighter.

I’m more cheerful.

I AM beautiful.

I AM loved.

YES, I’m FUN without alcohol.

In just one week, I started to feel more fully like myself again for probably the first time in decades.

I am remembering that I can be all-in as a human regardless of which role I need to be fully present in at the moment, and without wine.

The scripture at the top of this post came on Day 5 in my journey to give sobriety 100 days (with the goal of forever).

This is the way; walk in it.

THIS IS THE WAY; WALK IN IT.

So for now, that’s what I’m doing. I’m making a pledge each day to be Sober AF (I used to think AF meant “as f*&%” - thank God I was terribly wrong), because this is the way for me and today I’m just going to keep trying to walk in it.